How to Handle a Tough Situation Afterward: Reflect, Assess, Debrief

Caroline Fitsimones, MS, OTR/L, ADHD-RSP

As parents, we often focus on how to manage our children’s behavior in the moment: redirecting, setting limits, or trying to stay calm when emotions run high. But what happens after a tough moment is just as important as how we handle things in real time.

Many families I work with find themselves stuck in survival mode, constantly reacting and trying to make it through the day. That’s when parenting starts to feel like putting a Band-Aid on a wound without ever addressing the root cause.

The good news is that every meltdown, every argument, and yes, even every parenting misstep, is also a learning opportunity. The way we circle back afterward is what truly helps build resilience and connection.

In my recent YouTube video, I walk through a simple 3-step framework I call Closing the Loop: Reflect, Assess, Debrief. Here’s how it works:

The first step is to reflect. After a challenging moment, pause and take inventory. Notice your emotions, your body’s signals, and your triggers. Ask yourself: What was I feeling in the moment? What triggered me? Did I show up the way I wanted to? This isn’t about self-criticism. It’s about self-awareness. Reflection helps us shift from judgment to compassion—both for ourselves and for our kids. For example, I recently had a moment where my overwhelm boiled over, and I reacted in a way I deeply regret. By reflecting afterward, I realized the real issue wasn’t just my child’s behavior—it was my own exhaustion and multitasking. That awareness opened the door to change.

The second step is to assess. Once you’ve reflected, step back and look at the situation with curiosity, not blame. Consider: What was my child’s underlying struggle or need? What worked (or didn’t) in that moment? Were my expectations realistic for their age, skills, and state of regulation? This is where we separate behavior from skills. Often, what looks like defiance is really a lagging skill, whether it’s impulse control, emotional regulation, or managing transitions. And the truth is, we as parents are still building those same skills too.

The third step is to debrief. When everyone is calmer--whether it’s 10 minutes later or even the next day--circle back with your child. Keep it short, neutral, and focused on repair. For example, you might say: “Earlier was tough. I was feeling angry and overwhelmed, and I lost control. I’m sorry. Next time, I’ll take a break before coming back to talk.” Debriefing shows your child that mistakes aren’t the end of the story, they’re opportunities to learn and grow.

Over time, this process teaches kids how to reflect on their own behavior, identify what they can do differently, and bounce back more quickly. When we close the loop through reflection, assessment, and debriefing, we’re not just repairing the moment, we’re building skills for the future. We’re modeling resilience, self-awareness, and repair. And we’re showing our children that relationships are strong enough to withstand hard moments.

Parenting will never be perfect. But when we use tough situations as learning opportunities, we turn stress into growth and mistakes into resilience.

👉 Want to hear more and listen to my personal story of how I use these steps in real life? Watch the full video on YouTube.

Cheering you on,

Caroline